Flashy

Flashback is coming back.

OMG FLASHBACK IS COMING BA- oh.

Wait.

What the flip is… well, this is disappointing. So, yeah, Flashback will be, erm, flashing back, only not in the form of a slightly tarted-up port with the option to revert back to original graphics. You know, like ANOTHER FRICKIN’ WORLD.

Instead, we’re getting what appears to be a zoomed in, 2.5D scrolling take on the original, complete with grotty artwork, lots of Baysplosions and some terrible-sounding VA.

I mean, “What… have… you… DONE, Agent Con-rad Beeeeeeeeee Hart?” really strikes me as a shining beacon of videogame scriptwriting and acting, doesn’t it?

Frankly, I’d have been happy with a straight port with an optional HD lick of paint to the original graphics. On that note, however, I want to raise a perfectly reasonably question: why are developers so eager to sift through gaming history and dredge up classics for the sake of giving them a complete re-imagining, either redoing the same game with modern 3D graphics and new features or, in the case of the likes of Syndicate, creating something completely different with only some of the story elements from the original title. Why are developers and publishers alike so hell-bent on taking what many already consider to be the greats of our time and risk turning them to crap with a remake?

I have a better idea: Why not remake a bad game? Take some of the really crap ones, like Rise of the Robots (who has that now that Acclaim is a festering corpse and it’s name tarnished by the use of its name in free-to-play MMO botch jobs?), examine what went horribly wrong with it and make something better. I mean, here’s a couple ideas off he top of my head right now. Key phrase being “off the top of my head” here. With a little more time to think I could probably think of far better ideas, but my habit of  writing a post on-the-fly, whenever a thought hits me, got the better of me. Again. I’m putting this behind a jump because it’s a lengthy post.

Continue reading

Short Story: Inventory

The moment the back of his head connected with the floor, Mikul’s world went red. Blindingly red, as the pain had instantly forced his eyes shut and sent his hands around to the point of impact in no time. For a moment, he rolled around helplessly before his agony eventually subsided enough to let him open his eyes once more.

He wished he hadn’t, after finding himself in a warehouse that seemed to disappear into every horizon. North and South, East, West, it mattered not. He couldn’t see a wall in any direction. Mikul decided not to pay it any mind and instead looked around at what he could see, and found himself no less bewildered at the equally endless number of glass display cases with immaculate marble bases surrounding him, all arranged in a grid-like fashion. Each one played host to a different weapon: Shotguns, pistols, even swords of various shapes and sizes. Some of them seemed impossible to lift without mechanical aid.

“Mikul!” a voice called out from above. He looked up to a zippered hole above him, hanging unaided in the air. On the other side was the mid-afternoon sky hanging above the suburban road he remembered standing on just minutes ago. “Is everything alright down there?”

Mikul rubbed the back of his head where some of the pain persisted. “Aside from a bit of a headache, I’m fine. Speaking of headaches, Jo, you want to explain this?”

“Long story.” the unseen Jo answered back. “I’ll tell you later. Erm, there should be an combat shotgun nearby. Silver stock and pump, can’t miss it. Toss it up, will you?”

He glanced around, and just as promised, found the shotgun in no time. Silver stock. Silver pump. Without delay, he opened the front of the case, extracted the gun and tossed it up to the gap in space. “Dare I ask why?” A hand reached out to snatch the gun from the air.

“It works best against VAMPIRES!” Jo squealed before a single blast drowned her screams out. Silence followed, and Mikul’s heart shot throatward. Eventually, the smoking shotgun fell back through the hole. Just as Mikul rushed to catch it, Jo called back “Thanks!”

Mikul exhaled in relief that both his partner in crime was fine and that he would not be the next to use the weapon in his hand. He placed it back in its case and awaited the rope that descended from the hole to offer him escape. He couldn’t wait to hear the story of how Jo managed to cram an infinite armoury into a handbag the size of the average hardback novel, though he suspected she would only tell him that a wizard did it, same as all the other long stories.

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This short story is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Drone Bores

Despite Square Enix’s massive cockups (to say the least) in the run up to the new Tomb Raider‘s release, the game seems to have been flying off the shelves like cakes hotter than the output of a dragon’s arse.

I feel like I’m the only one on the planet right now who could give zero damns about it. That controversial scene aside, the trailer just didn’t appear to me. It looked like several hours of one of gaming’s biggest icons getting dumped on at every turn and turning into a blubbering wreck in the process. Personally, I prefer protagonists that face mortal danger with a middle finger and a “yippee ki-yay” even if they have become something of an endangered species of late. However, I’m barely a couple of paragraphs in and I’m already off on a tangent.

Something that isn’t doing any wonders to convince me to buying the game is its advertising campaign in the UK. At the moment, Square Enix seems to be “sponsoring” Sky 1′s run of Arrow, which means that every ad break is bookended by a 5-second piece of dialogue from nu-Lara as she pouts in front of a mirror.

Flip me, do I want to fall asleep when I hear each one. Each one being a snippet of Lara monotonously droning something like “I’ve finally decided to make my mark” or some other crud with about as much optimism and passion as a cleaner in a shopping centre who’s finally decided to scrub those marks out of the gents’ cubicles. And frankly, it’s just not Lara Croft, in my opinion. Again, a tangent.

It’s kind of fitting that it’s “sponsoring” Arrow, I suppose, because that show’s guilty of the same crime: attempting a moody monologue that only serves to achieve little more than inducing a desire to hit the sack harder than Rip van Winkle on an overdose of Nytol. I get it, Oliver Queen. You’ve seen things. You’ve suffered loss. You’ve been cut off from civilisation for flip knows how long and the universe took a long hard dump on you and your precious city, but for goodness’ sakes, man, you’re the Green Arrow, not Batman X Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Is it the screenwriter’s fault here? The director deciding he wants his work to be as grimdark as possible? A grossly overrated actor with all the emotional range and interest in VA of a bee? What am I saying? To compare this to a bee would be an insult to bees. Nevertheless, I don’t know. What I do know is that both cases are of a quality that should be relegated to the deepest, darkest recesses of The Asylum’s back catalogue (and the arses of its owners) rather than be allowed anywhere near a multimillion-dollar work.

You know what, media industries, how about we just dispense with this fascination with dark and moody and start bringing back the yippee-ki-yays, yeah?

No?

Well, up yours, then. *middle finger*

Communication Fail

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t seem to hold a decent conversation in the real world, or at least with or around family.

Today, I’d stumbled across some vids for the DC Comics fighting game Injustice: Gods Among Us, which basically takes DC’s heroes and villains and dumps them in a grimdark alternate universe where Superman lost his shit and took over the world. I really don’t like it. It’s grimdark, for a start, the characters move like rusty robots and Wonder Woman sounds like she’s getting turned on by taking Batarangs to the face being thrown down stairs and having statues dropped on her. Basically crap I wouldn’t put past the “minds” behind Mortal Kombat.

I voiced my criticisms to my brother a little later, for the sake of, you know, not being a completely asocial bastard around the house. Big mistake. As soon as I mentioned what I thought of NetherRealm‘s handling of Wonder Woman, the conversation went pretty downhill, starting from him joking about wanting to punch the superhero in the tits and ending in my dad blathering on about Xena, Warrior Princess, banging a centaur.

I don’t even want to begin to try and make the connection.

Regardless, that made me uncomfortable as flip.

I’m hardly a prude, of course. I’ll admit I’ve made plenty of rude, crude jokes in the past, some very recently, but sometimes both my brother and my dad can not only cross a line but gain as much ground between themselves and that line before the conversation turns to something else. Joking about beating the shit out of a woman’s breasts to hear her moan as much as possible felt like one of those crossings, and it’s not the first time either. The day Pope Francis I was finally plucked out of the hat, I popped downstairs to pass on the news, only to walk into my elder sibling barking “rape rape rape!” in jest at the dinner table. The temptation to sandwich his head in the clothes airer (repeatedly) reared its ugly head there. On the comments Bill Roache made on New Zealand TV, his response was that it was “just his belief.”

I could put down a novel’s worth of the stupid he comes out with if I could remember it all off the top of my head.

Meanwhile, my dad went off on a rant once at the mention of gay marriage, declaring that “gays shouldn’t be trying to change the church” or some bollocks. Wide of the mark, Dad, wide of the fricking mark. He’s also guilty of unapologetically spouting some racist crap and all.

Unfortunately, if I call either of them out on it, on every joke or stupid comment they make, be it about rape, LGBT issues or any other sensitive matter, I’m put on the spot and forced to justify my reaction, and more often than not, I find myself failing miserably at that, equal parts because my own reasons will fall on ignorant-fuck ears and because I am completely incapable of forming a coherent response fast enough. You try giving a well-informed verbal answer off the bat when you can’t even post an online comment without rewriting it fifty times. Not easy, is it? Now try doing it in the shoes of one of the slowest, dumbest fucks this side of the North Sea (me).

So, in the end, all I can do now is cringe when their mouths run as far away from their brains as they possibly can.

Cringe and walk away. And silently wish for an asteroid to strike the house.

Insert Disk 7: Tropes vs. Women in Video Games – Damsel in Distress Part 1

Video Page

Last year, Anita Sarkeesian announced this project on Kickstarter, a website for this newfangled crowdfunding that’s the in thing at the moment. Sadly, she got a lot of needless shit for it. In fact, she got worse than that, as the most vile abominations ever to inhabit the web crawled out of their internet-holes to voice their somewhat incendiary disapproval (understatement), one arsehole even going as far as making a Flash game asking players to punch Sarkeesian in the face.

Dicks.

Despite this, the project got funded more than 26-fold. She only asked for $6,000 and found herself with a whopping $158,922 to work with. You can’t hear me giving that arcing whistle that denotes how awesome I find that, but I am doing exactly that.

Fast forward to this week, and the first episode has seen the light of day, covering perhaps one of the oldest tropes ever (in terms of both age and “my gods, not this same-old again”), the Damsel in Distress. Watching this video is a complete mind blower, especially the ball game analogy. ESPECIALLY THE BALL GAME ANALOGY.

Depressingly the arseholes of the Internet came out to play once again. Comments have been disabled for the vid, but that hasn’t stopped them. I don’t recommend seeking them out if you value your sanity, your computer and your nearest window.

So, why the hell is this in an Insert Disk 7 post? Well, a lot of the crap detailed in this vid isn’t exclusive to video games. And there’s no denying that this and future videos will detail many of the traps writers have or are likely to have fallen into, whether it’s in games, books, film or any other form of media.

I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen into many myself over the course of the past four NaNos, and I’m far from proud of that.

Also, I’m appalled that I hadn’t fully realised what a steaming turd Nintendo truly made of Dinosaur Planet. I’ve considered it a stain on the StarFox franchise for some time now, but now… ugh.

Fail to the King

I wanted to avoid firing up a PC or laptop today, but some things are unavoidable, aren’t they?

Today, and for much of last night, I’ve worked up the willpower to fire up the 360 once again and, after one long-arsed update that did flip knows what (have Microsoft started posting update notes yet?), fired up a couple of classics: Doom and Duke Nukem 3D. Blasts from the past, but also a slap in the face as to what my gaming life was like back in the day.

So before I continue, let me make a confession: Not once have I ever finished these two titles. Not. Once. Not even on their easiest difficulties. Such is my shame. In the case of Doom I have half an excuse: When I (well, my dad) got a Windows PC, Final Doom was one of the titles we were able to order for free, by that time on a budget label. Little did I know it was just a couple of commercialised level packs at the time. Of course, when I finally got hold of a full Doom compilation further down the line (about right before Doom 3 came out), I should have gotten that bugger finished. But I didn’t. Duke Nukem? An even worse offense. Unlike Doom, that was one of the games we got free with the system. I had tons of opportunity to finish that game before we got right of it (for some reason), again when I managed to find a second-hand copy for pennies, along with a third-party map disc, and again when I nabbed in on the cheap as part of a bundle at GOG.com.

Know my shame, people, know my shame.

Returning to the present, though, I’ve been playing these two games from the comfort(ish) of my bed, controller in hand (heresy!), on my TV. And I’ve been enjoying both games long enough to at least get past the first episode of each game so far and maintain the desire to keep on playing. Which is probably more than can be said for most of the recent additions to my game collection. Mind you, it says a lot about my gaming skill when I somehow manage to overlook a couple of important doors, thinking they’re just walls. Cue twenty minutes of “WHERE DO I GO NOW, FFS?”

Oops.

I’m not sure why either game, along with a couple of renewed stabs at Outrun Online Arcade, seems to have grabbed my attention so much now while I lose focus on today’s offerings so easily. Well, I probably do, but for some reason I don’t know how to explain it.

Maybe when the next generation rolls over I should trade in my current consoles for a SNES. I dunno.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is their engines. I can’t help but wonder what games could have been achieved with either engine, or at least their released code (Doom‘s was released under the GPL, Duke Nukem‘s BUILD engine was opened up for non-commercial use). I mean, take a look at the Unreal Engine. That was made with first-person shooters in mind, and while a lot of shooters have used it, of course, more creative developers have used it for platformers, MMOs, fighting games, strategy games and even a Zumba title. It’s a pretty versatile engine by the looks of it.

Doom and BUILD, however… well, any search I try for games using either just brings up lists of shooter after shooter after shooter after map pack after map pack after map pack, plus an attempted at a Sonic The Hedgehog fan game. What has been made of the released code? Little more than ports of the engine to other operating systems or newer iterations of Windows with new shiny bells and whistles, it seems. I’m not sure people have really sat down and thought about what they could have done with either, nor do I suspect there has been any reason to do so with any engine until recently. I get it, they’re old, they have their limits and flaws, but I’ll be amazed and disappointed if someone hasn’t risen to the challenges they may offer.

Shame, really. Many developers today seem to trip over themselves to use the likes of Unity and Unreal, but older engines, despite being continually tarted up for modern systems, don’t seem to get a first thought. Of course, there is the fact that most of them are looking to profit from their work coupled with the obstacles of the GPL for Doom and BUILD’s non-commercial license.

Dusty Knee

Any gamer recognises the name Bungie, right? They’re the people behind everyone’s favourite faceless super space soldier, the Master Chief, because most people who’ve fondled an Xbox controller probably won’t remember anything prior to Oni.

Anyway, they’ve been quiet since splitting from Microsoft. Another studio was formed to drag on the Halo franchise while Bungie more or less disappeared without a trace, as far as I was aware. Now they’ve revealed Destiny, a project they’re claiming to be spending ten years and a stupid amount of dollars on.

And it’s a game about “space marines with guns” (in the words of QWOP creator Bennett Foddy, but totally bang on).

Ten years and an insane amount of cash on letting gamers play faceless goons in armour.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, that has pretty much sent my interest down to rock bottom faster than the recent meteor shower over Russia. I mean, aren’t we all tired of this shit by now? Haven’t we gotten more than a little fed up with military shooter after military shooter after military shooter already? Aren’t we sick of the sight of the same shaved-cranium, armoured-up or otherwise faceless soldiers likely bearing some lifelong grudge/dark past/lame excuse to be a whiny little bitch that have dominated game boxes since the arse end of the PS2 generation?

Don’t get me wrong, Destiny looks like it has an interesting – actually, scratch that, pretty awesome looking – universe, but I just don’t want to play yet another space marine or another faceless grunt.

These days, I’m holding out for a hero. If it’s a fixed character, they need to be remembered as fondly as Mario and Sonic, Ryu and Ken, Sam and frickin’ Max. They need to stand out. They need colour and character, and that isn’t going to be achieved with grotty power armour and all the other same-old tropes developers have been tacking on for the past decade. As crass and immature as it was, Bulletstorm felt like a small step in the right direction. If you didn’t laugh your arse off at Grayson Hunt singing badly as he tore up the place with a remote-controlled robot dinosaur, you might want to check your pulse.

If the character is customisable, I sure as shit don’t want to wrap them up in overly bulky armour. Case in point, my norn warrior in Guild Wars 2. Most soldier profession players seem to go for the biggest, most improbable armour possible, wield the most over-compensatory greatsword they can find, and can’t seem to find the “hide helm” option. Then there’s me, who’s taken one of the fugliest top-end armour sets in the game, transmuted the skin of a low-level armour set onto it and hidden the helm. The result is improbable, yes. Anyone wearing it into a real battle would likely be impaled on a spear in seconds, yes. But at the end of the day, it makes my character look more of a hero than even the NPCs, in my opinion. He is not a faceless grunt as far as I can help it.

Does that not look like the chest of a hero?

Does that not look like the gut of a hero?

Returning to the point now. If you had a billion-dollar budget and ten years to devote to whatever the hell you liked, would you really blow it on something people are surely getting sick of the sight of?

Seriously, there are so many potential ideas that haven’t been explored yet, so many potential universes to create, with so many time periods and other concepts you could draw from. Why is there not an open-world sci-fi adventure that isn’t post-apocalyptic, for example?

Think about it: even with a fraction of that cash, you could have had games that put you in the shoes of an adventure seeker on a newly-discovered planet, getting your Indiana Jones on in alien tombs with little more than a grappling hook to defend yourself. You could be an orc policeman rising through the ranks in a city reminiscent of 1970s New York. You could be a space witch travelling the stars helping the less fortunate like you were Robert McCall with a wizard hat.

But this won’t happen, because big-name developers and publishers alike are too shit-scared to take risks any more  Their trousers turn a shade of yellow at the sight of an untested idea. They’re too comfortable shitting out the same old bromance-riddled military crud for £50 to £60 a pop. Reality check, games industry: there will come a time when gamers will grow tired of it all. They will stop buying what they essentially already have in their libraries. They will crave something new.

That time can’t come soon enough. Why it hasn’t arrived already is a mystery.

Power Trippin’

Guild Wars 2 isn’t perfect. It’s got its flaws and annoying little issues that sometimes make me want to slap someone upside the head with a zombie chicken.* Yet I enjoy it for most part. There are some complaints from other players, meanwhile, that I just cannot wrap my head around.

Among these complaints is the level scaling system. In most MMORPGs, if you take a top-level character to an area designed for new characters, you will most likely be able to kill anything that crosses your path with a single poke of your Sharp Pointy Object of OMGWTFAWESOMELOL+9001 or whatever. In Guild Wars 2, however, this is not the case. instead, your character will revert to a maximum level for each part of the map and their power will be brought in line with other players and foes within that area.

This, for some reason does not sit well with some players, who would rather be able to one-shot everything in a starter map and believe that they don’t feel powerful at all because of this system.

Firstly: BULL. SHIT. I can take my Level 80 warrior into Queensdale or Wayfarer Foothills or just about any Level 1-10 area and pretty much steamroll anything that moves in as few as three hits. Some foes even get one-shotted. This was the case back when I wasn’t armed with level-appropriate Rare weapons as much as it is the case now. I couldn’t do this with that same character in his early levels and, additionally, I find it hard to believe other professions have it any worse.

Secondly: Why would you even WANT to have the kind of power you demand? It’s probably fun for about all of three seconds before the novelty wears off and, if you haven’t achieved 100% map completion beforehand, would make getting a map cleared or taking part in an event little more than a chore if all you’re doing is running from A to B while happy-slapping Kryta’s centaur population unchallenged. Yes, I can failtrain low-level mobs in a few hits, but some events bring the challenge of mowing down mobs the size of which can still down you when you’re not careful. It’s also limits the potential for abuse. I’ve heard plenty of complaints about high-levels in other MMOs stealing kills from low-level players, stranding them in single digits for as long as they can’t get to an enemy first. Level scaling is just one of a few systems that serve to nip this problem in the bud, and that’s fine by me.

Thirdly, such a game without level scaling would just be plain nonsensical, fantasy setting aside. You want to explain how it would be logical that an upper-level character can axe-slap a L5 sparkfly to the Mists and back yet struggle against a more level-comparable one?

Thought not. Like I said, GW2 has its failings, but level scaling is so far from being one of them, it’s broken high orbit and drifted away.

* Zombie chickens exist in Guild Wars 2 and, credit to ArenaNet’s ability to steer clear of some of the fantasy genre’s worst and most overdone clichés, exist in a totally non-comedic and actually unsettling manner. Any player trying to 100% Malchor’s Leap may understand.

Painful

Ever felt like something was a little off with the voice acting of female videogame characters whenever they’re on the receiving end of a boot/sword/shotgun/fireball/velociraptor?

Well, here’s Women In Pain In Games – a Tumblr blog collecting audio recordings of, well, women in pain in games – to address those concerns and confirm that they are not at all unfounded: Yes, they often do sound like they’re taking pleasure in being shot, stabbed, kicked or otherwise getting harm brought unto themselves when they really should be portraying quite the opposite. It’s already a bit cringe-inducing to hear in-game and even more so listen without any accompanying video.

You have trans cyborg Merritt Kopas to thank. The explanatory post behind the blog can be found here.

[AMENDED to correct an incredibly moronic choice of words on my part.]

You Take My Self Control

For the Most Commercialised Time of the Year, I asked for, and received supernatural horror MMO The Secret World, after learning that developers FunCom had changed their subscription model to something similar to that of the Guild Wars series: you buy the box and get to play all currently-available content (as of early December) in full for no extra charge. Only thing is, you have to shell out for future expansions when they come out, but at least you can buy them when you’re ready for to play them, so it’s all good.

It’s an MMO, but stands out for its modern-day setting and approach to missions. You’re not in some fantasy land slaying dragons with magic swords bearing unpronounceable names or stomping around a distant planet chargin’ yah lazor, you’re helping the police of a beseiged New England town by emptying pistol clips into the faces of sea-spawned horrors and other such otherworldly threats to humanity and maybe following it up with a lightning bolt up what’s left of their arses if they’re still standing.

After a couple of nights of downloading (a delay in part caused by Windows deciding that certain web addresses were a no-go until I rebooted… up yours, Microsoft), I jumped in and created a character. I watched the introductory vids for each of the game’s three factions: The New York-based Illuminati (“Sex, Drugs, and Rockefeller” being their slogan), the Templars in London (the kind of people that would nuke a city to get to a single demon) and in Seoul… the Dragon. The Dragon appealed to me because they liked to experiment with chaos. They made small changes to the world and observed the chain of events that spiral out of it. So, my first character would be a Dragon.

My next order of business was to create my character, choosing gender and adjusting the usual head details – hair, makeup, facial features, that sort of thing – before moving on to clothing. This is one of the things I like about TSW. With most MMOs, you have to wear a specific piece of armour to maintain certain attributes and stats on your character, even if it looks like a piece of crap on your char. TSW does away with this in favour of invisible “talismans” that give you all the stats you need, leaving the matter of character clothing an entirely cosmetic affair for the player to choose as they see fit. Dress how you like, it won’t affect your character’s performance. Knowing that, I went for something decent: Capris, a decent shirt and one of those chest-height half-jackets that Squall Leonhart was rocking before they were cool. I’d later pick up a turtleneck and suit jacket for the look pictured below.

Molly Longstaff, going against the grain other female characters running around in bikinis.

Molly Longstaff, going against the grain of most female player characters running around in bikinis.

I chose a name, spent about fifteen minutes trying to find a nickname that nobody else was using, and started the game. I watched the lengthy introduction/origin of Molly “HighForce” Longstaff’s powers (glowing bee in the mouth… gotta remember that one), her incapacitation and kidnapping by a mute monk, and finally got control of my character once she was kicked out of a van onto the streets of Seoul, South Korea. Following the tutorial mission’s waypoints, I was led to a man in a karaoke nightclub fussing over a mess of papers. After listening to his lecture, I followed the next waypoint upstairs.

Molly knocked on the door at the waypoint only to be greeted by a very tall tattooed man dressed in almost nothing bar a single undergarment over his modesty before a woman in a dress told him to stand down and let her in. This woman took Molly over to a king-size bed and sat her down at its foot, after which said woman started caressing her as she blathers on. The next thing, Molly was pushed back on the bed and the woman proceeded to start kissing her around the neck, which my character seemed all too happy to allow her to do and didn’t seem to resist when this stranger then slipped just off-screen…

…and gave my character oral sex in order to give her a vision of past events. Everything from the tattooed man to that point was one big cut-scene that revoked any and all control of my character. She was at the mercy of the game’s writers for the entire duration of it all.

Image from Know Your Meme

And, as a former City of Heroes roleplayer, that just pisses me off. Through this single cut-scene, FunCom has dictated that my character is unconditionally happy to get some from a random stranger she’s only met for all of half a minute, regardless of the player’s approval or disapproval. Which I find jarring, and kind of sucks for roleplayers and the few non-roleplayers that aren’t above establishing a backstory for your character. What if my character was heterosexual, or even just asexual, regardless of romantic orientation?

FunCom says “No”. In fact, FunCom says “LOLnope, fuck you” and gives you the middle-fingered salute. “Your character’s getting some hawt gurl-on-gurl action and she’s going to like it, even if you don’t.” Whether it’s a foolish attempt to appeal to desperate boys younger than the PEGI rating advises or a sloppily written show of the game’s “dark-n-gritty”-ness, I don’t know. Now excuse me while I flush those awful deliberate misspellings from my head with industrial strength brain bleach.

…Okay, done.

This is a problem I’ve found with many MMOs that offer total character customisation. They’ll give you all the customisation options under the sun, plaster blurb on the box that promises “play the character YOU want to play” or “create your own hero” but one stupid little thing on the part of the writers always dulls that feeling that the character I’m playing is entirely mine.

In City of Heroes it was the constant feeling that you were always the errand person of the game’s NPC signature heroes and villains, which was then followed up by a moronic retcon later in the game’s like that tore up the game’s first novel, The Web of Arachnos, and established that everyone’s superpowers were the doing of an interdimensional being posing as a sodding WELL. Yep. Your mutant can puke fire? A hole in the ground gave him that. Your power-armoured tech-based hero is a genius that built her own equipment? The Well made her smart. Natural and non-powered kung-fu master? You got those mad skills from the Well, bro. NO.

Equally guilty is DC Universe Online. “Create your hero!” it screams at you. Just one catch. Your hero has to be a mundane human walking the streets just in time for a future Lex Luthor to dump nanomachines charged with superpowers into Earth’s atmosphere, again, from the future. So, regardless of whether your character is natural, tech-dependent, or magic… you got them from microscopic robots. There’s no option for a backstory here at all. You get one, and its forced upon you before you pass the login screen. Considering the DC Universe has characters of all kinds of origins (Superman’s an alien, Wonder Woman’s a magical construct, or was before the New 52 reboot. Batman has money and a personal reason for fighting crime. See what I’m getting at here?), it doesn’t feel like I’m creating my own hero in this game.

Then there’s TSW, which promises that I can create the character I want to play, and to a degree, it does that with the customisation options on offer, but then the game’s opening cutscenes have your character gladly consenting to sex without any input from the player, and past that point I can’t help but feel that this character isn’t entirely under my control.

Which is the point I’m getting at here. In the case of character origins, I can understand that there have to be certain rules for the universe, including the forces behind an individual’s powers, but there are limits. Being able to throw a grenade purely because a magic hole in the ground said so crosses that line. Player character personalities, for the most part, should be off limits. If a character likes to shag complete strangers, then that should be up to the player.

So MMO developers: if you’re going to promise players total customisation, or that they can create the character they want, don’t try to dictate my character’s origin past a certain threshold of sensibility and, more importantly, don’t try and establish any part of my character’s personality. That should be up to the player and the player alone.